Friends

So what about your friends?

The term friends has been reduced to a mere association.

Like yeah,
I know him,
We use to work together,

Or she and I would hang out.

Thanks social media. . .

But to me, friends are so much more;

They are the ones that show up when I'm sick,
Or simply understand that I'm broken,

And honestly, at this moment,
I'm really not trying to be fixed.

They are the people that can accept the silence.

And understand that love lives in the spaces that can't be filled.

The special Ones really do get it.  They know that our love keeps us connected. 

They are the Ones that mend our broken pieces.

The family we created that we never new we needed.

Good Morning Love

Good morning Love,
I waited all night to see you again.
I did see you in my dreams though,
But my dreams don't compare to what I see.
I can't sleep through the night
Because I need to make sure you're
Still lying next to me.
And to be honest,
sometimes I stare at you
and wonder about our destiny.
This world has put so much on you and me
Wanting us to be more than they could be.
And we've been trying.
And fighting for this damn country,
That doesn't even care about our divinity.
And still,
 I often stare at you as you sleep.
And as I look at you I am glad you
Have found just a moment of peace.
But I miss you.
I wish you were awake
So I don't have to feel alone in this state.
Everyday we fight
And everyday we hide our wounds
Just so we can care for the wounded.
And then we sleep.
But I always wake because
I need to see you next to me.
And I need to see you at peace.
I can't fight this fight alone,
I can't carry the expectations of those who have gone.
This life has been difficult for me
But I get so much joy as you sleep.
So as the sun rises and the world awakes
I say good morning to you.
I say that this day will not break you
And I say don't be afraid to be you
Because when you come home
All I will do is love you.

Stand Up

Crawling out of my cave to make this statement. And forgive me if my words are offensive or my language is too strong. I'm going to try to sound as educated as I am, but I'm more pissed off than educated and I haven't slept in 3 days.

For those of you that know and love me, all this that I'm about to say may be a bit much. I know I'm suppose to be this chill person that isn't about drama or politics.  But every button has been pushed and that last straw broke my back weeks ago and it's still coming.

I want to just start with Nate Parker and his film.  For those of you that think that this film was the new flagship for promoting Black History and the power of the Black slave. Please check yourself, because the movie is historically inaccurate and you would be better off reading a book.  What the media fails to acknowledge is that the real story will always be more powerful than what any movie can convey. So stop trying to force feed me this information about how this story has to be told.  It's been told, in words, so take your ass to  a library and read about it, and let your own mind create the pictures and feel the power and the pain.  As for the consumerist, Black women didn't destroy this film. What the stoned it was piss poor marketing and the movie industry relying of the "buzz" to promote this film. Also the advanced screenings didn't help nor did Nate Parker's unapologetic and arrogant attitude.

And to those of you that argue that Nate Parker isn't a rapist, I really don't have the energy to debate.  So I give you that, and raise the point that the motherfucker was a pimp that night.  Now argue that. . . To me the issue isn't legal. It's moral. So tell me how what he did was right.  This arrogant asshole wants to defend his actions only in legalities.  But laws of abuse and violation weren't written by women but by men.  So for all of you that say he was found not guilty, the law means nothing to me,
it's what the victim experienced afterwards that give me the most evidence that they were both guilty.

So let's go on to the next thing that is driving me crazy.  This chump that is seeking the presidency.  Regardless of race, gender or political affiliation, I really don't understand how folks are so blinded.  I'm not even going to argue against this nonsense. So all you men defending this man have no problem with with him objectifying a 10 year old?  What's your justification? And are you willing to tell your daughter that explanation after she's been violated?

So regardless of who the man is that is violating, harassing, suppressing, or denigrating women the point is it's wrong. And we in this country shouldn't support their presidency, their movie, their team, their school, or their brand.  Enough is enough and women have been supporting too much to continue to endure this bullshit.  So I'm waiting to see how many MEN are willing to STAND UP!

I'm going to try and sleep now. . .

Just Me

So people have asked why I keep so much of me to myself.
It's really pretty simple

Why should I give you all of me when you can't accept
Even the part of me that I allow you to see

I don't live in a world of Black and White
Most times, all I see is gray

And on a good day, God allows me to see the rainbow
Full of every shade

So when I say all the things I want to say,
Hoping to paint you a picture of what I see everyday

Only to realize that all you see are two basic shades. . .
Just don't ask me why I put my paint brushes away.

Don't be Mad

Don’t be mad. . .

Don’t be mad at me because I want the same rights you take for granted

Don’t be mad at me because I learned to maneuver that glass ceiling that you thought would limit me, contain me, and strip me of my dignity

See, life has taught me that my dreams will never come freely.  That the possessions you take for granted will always be inches from my reach

I have accepted that your inner circle will never include me.  That my apprehension to trust you will be your excuse to exclude me.

But what you fail to see, is that nothing that I have has come easy to me.  The glass ceiling that you thought would limit my potential only taught me how to expand my ingrown boundaries. . .

I’ve learned how to navigate your system, dance to your rhythm, and even how to pass your test

I lost myself; falsely believing that who I am is less than everyone else.
I was systematically taught to hate myself.

To see my love as a perversion to what others felt.  I was even told that my love offended Christ himself.

Somehow they forgot that God formed me in the image of He; And that he knew me before the politicians decided to criminalize that small part that they choose to categorize me.

But their political rhythm played a beat that captured those close to me, to a point where they no longer knew me

And for a moment I accepted that their rejection was too much for me and that I would rather take the chance and try to see those things that I was never meant to see.

But for some reason his grace was a light that shined on me.  I don’t know why but for some reason he didn’t want to see the end of me.

So I’m still here, stronger than before.   And I admit that part of me is still that little person that you chose to ignore.

But those obstacles that you set only taught me to endure, to be strong enough to laugh at the weapons that created your lore.

And now I sit here wondering why I even worshiped the power that you had over me.

Why I ever doubted the vision that God gave me.  And why didn’t I accept that these tribulations were simply made to perfect me.

Finally I have the strength to say that I am not afraid to be me.  That I am not afraid to say that I have no desire to wear a weave.

I make no apologies about the fact that I will not work for a man whose only desire is to see me on  my knees.

Don’t be mad at me because I am as powerful as you pretend to be.

If you want to be mad. . .Be mad because I am a reflection of what you wish you could be.

Love

Love,
I love you,
You are my Love,
Share my Love,
God is Love,

We use many phrases to express our Love
And even more to explain how we Love
But I must be honest that I'm not satisfied with any of it.

I have questions. . .
So many questions that I feel like
A four year old in Pre-K.

Is Love a verb, an adjective, or a noun?
Is it an experience, a thing, a feeling, or an action?
Does it have to be reciprocated?

Does Love ever die?
Is Love ever lost?
How do you fall in Love?

Is it possible to fall out of Love?
And if so. . .
How do you know you were ever in Love?

Can Love endure all things?
Can Love make you ignore everything?
Can Love fix all the broken things?

If God is Love, how come so many don't feel Loved?
If I don't feel loved how can I give Love?
And if I can't give Love or feel Loved than why am I Here?

I have so many questions about Love,
And still find it hard to talk about Love,
Yet I have this unbelievable need for Love.

Being in Love, 2013

How do you know when you're "in love"?

This has to be one of the most frequently asked questions of every pre-teen, teenager, and adult (if they never figured it out).

How do I Know when I'm in love?

There really is no universal answer.  Even though love is a very universal experience, the experience itself is very unique.

No one has ever explained to me what love is, but they did tell me what it was not.

My experience of love was discounted. Unacceptable by my community because I loved someone that was the same gender as me.

Shhhhhh. . . "Don't ask don't tell."

had a much broader meaning for me.  It meant I couldn't share how happy I was.  It meant that when she was gone, the only support I had would be a puppy who longed for her just as much as I did.
It meant that there would be times when I would not only be separated from my love, but also from the community that raised me, and the only community who could understand how painful and lonely it is to support a soldier. . . airman. . . marine. . .
And it meant I couldn't ask for help when I needed it.

When she came home, it was always a private celebration and the sense of relief was as equal to the fear of knowing she would soon be gone again.

I still remember what it felt like to hold on to her pajamas while she slept next to me, wanting to make sure it wasn't just a dream.

I know what love is.  I know what it can endure.  I know it needs to be fed and nurtured because regardless of how strong we think it is, it isn't invincible.

I was blessed to have experienced love; and even though my love is gone, and my heart is broken, I wouldn't change my past.

To be in Love, to experience Love, and to Love someone that Loves you is part of the miracle of this precious life experience.  Embrace it, and accept the fear and vulnerability that comes with it.

I knew I was in love the moment I was no longer afraid to live. . .

My Beautiful One

Hey there little one,
Yes you, the beautiful one hiding in the corner,
I just want you to know that I see you.

I see your pain . . .

I see how you struggle because you accept the blame.
I want you to know that you shouldn't accept the shame.
Life dealt you a hand that no one should have to claim.

I just want you to know that I see you and your pain.

I see your emptiness.
I see your fight
and how you struggle with your complicated plight.

I just wanted to tell you that things will be okay,
That God will make a way when there seems to be no way.

You're beautiful. and the shame you carry isn't yours
So lay all that shame outside your door.

You're stronger than what you think
And the strife and fight won't end with your defeat

Yes,
you may have fallen, and given in to your grief
But your life is greater than what you think.

So hold your head high my beautiful one!
And know that your life hasn't even approached its peak.

Black Love

She sang her song everyday
But only she could hear the words she sang

He wrote words that needed a voice
But he was too ashamed of his inner thoughts

They both lived lives
That appeared adequate to most

Fitting the trend of responsible adults

But what if he gave her song a stage
And she sang the words that his heart hid away

Maybe the love they made
Would heal a land
That has become so depraved
 

Witness

will you be my witness?
will you be the on that testifies about my life story?
do you know me well enough or is our friendship
just another notch on a belt that makes you feel some type of glory?

will you be my witness?
can you be my witness?
can you say how much i love life even though i tried to take my life?
do you know me well enough to say that love from her was better than any story?

can you be my witness?
will you be my witness?
can u say the mistakes I made was just me trying
to feel something special before I am sent to my grave?

will you be my witness?
will you tell my family how much I loved them?
wIll you tell them the beauty in my life is only because of them?
will you tell my friends that my life had meaning because they were closer to me than my kin?

I just need a witness
Someone to walk this life with
and say that taking a chance with her was worth it.
can you be my witness?